What You Want
by Yami Mariko
Summary: Words mean more then we ever believe them to be. Musashi's angry and careless words and Nyasu's additions prove just that when Kojirou runs away... Dark fic: Bad language and death.


Disclaimer - I wish I did.  

A/N - This is based on a real life experience, with some creative license.  I made up a few things, and some is pure fact.  An explanatory note will be posted at the end.  

**What You Want**

            _You don't trust me.  I am a stupid fool.  I am nothing.  You always get what you want. _    

            I was enjoying my little walk around the woods pretty well.  No Onisuzume came to bother me, and nobody had yelled at me yet.  I inhaled the sweet air.  Today was a good day.  We hadn't run into Satoshi-tachi at all today.  As I came closer to our camp, I felt someone push hard past me.  It was Musashi.  She had tearstains all down her cheeks, and she was angrily running. 

            I picked up my pace, beginning to follow.  Nyasu was also staring at her.  We exchanged glances.  This wasn't like Musashi.  She had her back at us, and we could hear her sobs.  They were real enough and shook her whole body.

            "Musashi, what's wrong?"  I offered it as a comfort, but she ignored me.   

            Nyasu tried.  "C'mon, this ain't like you, what's the matter?"  She turned to him, and then scooped him up and hugged him as she cried.  Something inside clicked, and a pang of jealously swept through me.  Why wouldn't she talk to me?  

            Then, she began talking, and her voice lowered so I couldn't hear a lot of what she was saying.  I caught snatches of it here and there, and fell silent, listening. 

            "…I can't believe…"

            "…He just glared at me…"

            "…help you through this…"  

            "…He hates me, he really does!"  Then, it was as if Musashi had just noticed me.  Her eyes, her pretty sapphire eyes, erupted with fury.  "What the fuck are you doing here?"  

            _Speak to me anyway you want.  Treat me as you please.  You all hate me, and you always get what you want. _

            I drew back, nervous.  "Well, you seemed upset, so I followed you back here, and-"  She grabbed me and shoved me away.  I was slammed into a tree.  I dropped a bit, and she stood over me, making a fist.    

            "Listen, you get the fuck away from here.  This is personal business, and I don't want your smart-ass comments.  You wouldn't understand anyway, this is personal.  I catch you around here and I will kill you.  And I mean it.  Now, will you get your bitchy ass away from here?!?!" 

            I gazed at Nyasu for help, but he was glaring at me just as evilly.  He extended his claws, and a shiver flew up my spine.  "She's right Pretty-Boy.  Your slow little mind won't understand this.  You'll just make everything worse.  The wrong people know, so you can't know.  Now get away."   

            When I didn't move, Musashi got more angry.  "Get the fuck away.  Now."  Her eyes were so angry when she looked at me.  She never looked at me like that before.  I just turned and ran, just ran as fast as I could.  

            Once I felt safe in the woods, I just wanted to cry.  And I did.  The tears poured out and I felt relief that they were.  Didn't they trust me?  I was a good friend.  I wouldn't blab this to anyone.  I had just wanted to know…  I would've tried to comfort her.  

            Maybe I wasn't good enough.  Maybe I was just too stupid to understand.  I wanted to help.  I was just as good as any other guy to listen to Musashi.  Then, I understood.  It was about another guy.  That was why she was crying.  He hadn't loved her.  That was the problem. 

            _I have no emotions.  I don't know what happiness looks like. I cannot feel because you always get what you want.  _

            I pieced together what they had said.  Apparently, people that shouldn't know understand what happened, and me, the guy that of all people should know, was kept in the dark.  And it was such a personal matter that they didn't trust me.  A wave of anger flew up my spine.  I was a good friend.  Suddenly, the urge to run surfaced.  

            And run I did.  I ran until I collapsed besides a river.  As I struggled to catch my breath, I caught a glimpse of my reflection.  My green eyes were red and unreadable.  My hair limply about my face, and I wanted to fix it, but I resisted the urge.  My face was tearstained and pale.  I was a wreck.  

            I thought of returning, but something told me that now, everything was different.  Now I was an outsider.  It was "personal"  and I wasn't the person to hear it.  I would never know.  It was what Musashi wanted, and she always got what she wanted.  I struggled to my feet and began to run again. 

            The thoughts replayed over and over in my mind.  I blanked my mind to where I was and what I passed.  I was just a inept pawn.  Musashi had used me.  I was just her partner, unwanted and useless at that, no more.  Not even a friend.  I was nothing…  

            Then, I felt tears slide down again. I kept running, and suddenly, I was aware of a cliff jutting out ahead.  I just ran and suddenly, I was falling.  Falling into the empty space.  Then, I somehow comprehended that I was being slammed into rocks.  

            _I am worthless in life. Fate and Destiny overlooked me. I am what I am because you always get what you want.  _

            Blood… it was everywhere.  Then, I slammed into the ground.  I opened my eyes and watched the pool of blood around me widen and darken my clothes.  It stained the ground and I saw it spreading from the wound in my chest.  The rocks had dealt a harsh blow.  

            I had broken a bone…  The pain was spreading into my mind, and it was harder to think.  I coughed and the blood flowed out, and it's putrid taste barely reached my mind.  Then, what Musashi had said again touched my mind.  _Get the fuck away…_  

            Well, Musashi, I'm away.  And I'll never come back.  Aren't you happy?  You'll be happy.  You'll fall in love and live your entire life without me.  You had no idea that what you and Nyasu said has any effect on me.  Words can hurt more than you imagine.  You got what you wanted, aren't you happy?  I could never give you what you wanted.  

            As the darkness spread, the desire to give in became stronger.  Something in my mind said "Hang on." but the other half said "Give in."  I knew Musashi wanted me away, and I would go.  So, as I gave in to the darkness, I stared at the sky.  

            The stars.  They're so beautiful.  They will shine on Musashi and give her the life 

she had always wanted.  What you wanted.  They would give what you wanted.  

            _No one cares.  I can die and no one would grieve.  I love you, but you always get what you wanted and you don't want me.  _

A/N - The angst of the fic is entirely fictional.  But some of what Kojirou was thinking was what I was.  The situation was something like this:  My friends told me to go away because it was personal matter.  (I still don't know what happened.)  And I was thinking a lot of what Kojirou was.   The poem in the fic is the basic theme of many of my fics.   Freaky… Please review me.  


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